Islam

An Interview with Allah

An interview with Allah.

Interviewer

So Allah how does it feel to be the Author of three of the best selling books?

Allah

It feels good, this new one released in 610, it was a slow burner, but I think I might have cracked it, I screwed up on the second one.

Interviewer

How did you screw up?

Allah

Well, I had all the violence in place in the first book, then the people started changing it.

Interviewer

How can the people change it if you are the creator of all and only things happen at your will?

Allah

Oh, well, see, they have to pray to me, if they don’t worship me then things can go wrong.

Interviewer

Like what?

Allah

Well, I created this place, its called hellfire and if the people don’t worship me, then I will send them there and they will burn for eternity, when their skins are burnt off, I will replace their skin, so they can burn to a crisp all over again.

Interviewer

Why do you do that to you own creation?

Allah

Well they don’t worship me, people have to worship me, do you know who I am ? They are my slaves, I am creator of everything, I need to be adored!

Interviewer

Ok, lets move on, what do you think you did wrong in the second book?

Allah

Well, Jesus, he was a bit of a pussy wasn’t he? Yeah I really screwed up there.

I had it all set and that second book ballsed it right up.

Interviewer

So what changed?

Allah

Well I brought in this new Character called Muhammad, everyone felt sorry for him as he was an orphan, I went in with a false sense of security and then BAAM! 

Interviewer

What? BAAM?

Allah

Yeah BAAM, when they were least expecting it, I had them, I got them all roped in, hook line and sinker!

Interviewer

Allah, are you saying that you tricked people?

Allah

OH yeah!

I had them all praying in Mecca, fasting, washing up like the people of pre Islamic ignorance did. I combined the practices of the people of the book, with the pagans, I stole loads from the Zoroastrians, the Tawheed/one finger symbol, five prayers, I even got them facing their palms to my rape fest land of eternal sex and wine, Paradise! Hahaha, the Zoraoastrian God has one 101 names, I have 99, they are actually similar and then of course, I have my name Allah!

I called them my slaves, My Muslim Slaves, they will do anything I ask you know?

Interviewer

OK, this all sounds ok, I mean it not right you stole things, but this sounds like paradise is the place to be for men!

Allah

OH yeah!

I did a good job there. I had to bring that in though, because people didn’t think the character Muhammad was a prophet, so I had to get something to hook them in, so bingo! Paradise!

The pagans didn’t believe him, they were asking him all kinds of question he couldn’t answer.

Interviewer

Why couldn’t he answer? He was prophet, right?

Allah

Well, see Muhammad, he was a bit dim, I picked the wrong guy really, I should have picked Abu Bakr.

When he couldn’t answer I had to think on my feet, I came up with hellfire for those who didn’t believe Muhammad and paradise for those that did.

Interviewer

And did it work?

Allah

To an extent, a few converted, but it was still an issue, I wasn’t going to be getting many converts keeping the story like this, now was I?

Interviewer

So what happened next?

Allah

Well, I made up some shit about Muhammad being persecuted, it wasn’t hard to sell, underneath Muhammad was a bit of a pussy.

Then, he did a runner over to Medina with the followers, he sent a few first check the coast was clear, like I said, he was a bit of a pussy. He hid out in a cave for ages before going.

That is when it all changed, I decided that I was really messing this whole story up and I better sort things out quick smart.

Interviewer

I heard some Muslims left Islam after leaving Mecca?

Allah

Oh yeah, that wasn’t a good time, I sorted them out though! I brought in the rule that no one can leave Islam, once you are in that is it, no way out.

Interviewer

Why what happens?

Allah

Well, my slaves kill them!

Interviewer

Oh well, that will do it!

So, its all good then? Convert them and you have yourself a following forever?

Allah

Well it doesn’t quite work like that because some just leave anyway, we have to try and find them.

Interviewer

Why do you need to find them if they have gone away?

Allah

Well, you know, trade secrets, we can’t have stuff getting out, we have to conquer the world, if intel gets out, its just not gonna happen. We call it treason, that gives us a bit of status and power, it makes us sound important.

Interviewer

Ok, where did the story go next?

Allah

We had to go back down the persecution complex route, we said that Muhammad was being persecuted by the Meccans again, that gave us a legitimacy to attack them.

Interviewer

Ohhh clever, nice one mate!

Allah

We did a few raids then we had this battle, we were outnumbered in that one you know, but guess what? we won!

Some of the Muslims weren’t happy about fighting, they were getting scared of getting killed.

Interviewer

So how did you get them to fight?

Allah

Well I sent Muhammad off into his little tent to have a sleep, when he came out he told them all that if they fight and get killed they will go directly to paradise! Not only that, they will get the greatest degrees of Paradise, the best.

Interviewer

Did that work?

Allah

Oh yes, it did! Many ran onto the battle field without armour and got slaughtered. Ohhh Joy, it was a great fight to watch that day.

Interviewer

Well Allah, it was great talking to you, but that’s about all we have time for, will you come back next week and we can carry on?

Allah

I think I can fit that in, although I have some Jihadis arriving next week in paradise, they are fighting in Abyssinia, it’s gonna be all sex and wine that week, it’s a show I don’t want to miss!

Interviewer

Ok, well I will be in touch, its been very erm, interesting Allah.

Allah

Please, we are on friendly terms now, don’t call me Allah, Call me, Muhammad.


 

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