Allah is back.

A week went fast, Allah is back in for another interview, Allah has gone from bragging mode to having the upper hand this time.

Interviewer

Welcome back Muhammad! How did the show go?

Allah

OK, lets just get one thing straight, I know I said we were on friendly terms last time and you could call me Muhammad, but I am the kinda guy that likes to change his mind, that doesn’t sound good though, so I call it abrogations.

So, I abrogated the last interview, call me Allah this time.

Interviewer

Erm, OK…Allah.

Well!

Lets get started!

I have been thinking about this since the last time we met, I was chatting with a friend and he said he read in the … extras? That Angel Gabriel squeezed Muhammad so tight he couldn’t breathe first time he visited.

So I wanted ask why did Angel Gabriel assault Muhammad the first time he visited him?

Allah

Hahaha, you call that assault? I call that toughening him up!

OK, lets clear this up, me and Angel Gabriel had a chat before he visited and I said, “look man, hes a pussy, he’s gonna take for the hills soon as you show up!”

Angel Gabriel, with reluctance eventually agreed.

So we decided to give him a big squeeze, nothing too rough, as it won’t look good if Muhammad came away all black and blue, we can save that for later in the story for the women.

Interviewer

Ahhh, Ok, not assault, got it!

So how did you choose the first words?

Allah

We knew he couldn’t read hahaha, we needed to get him used to having the piss taken out of him.

After he had repeated what was said, he did as predicted and took for the hills.

Interviewer

OK, that’s not good right?

Allah

Too right its not good, he ran back to his cougar Khadija saying he was possessed, luckily for us, Khadija was the dreamy type and she managed to convince him that he wasn’t possessed.

Interviewer

OK, right on!

Allah

Yeah it was a risky move doing that, so we decided best let the dust settle a bit, maybe not visit him so much for a while.

Interviewer

OK, Muhammad would be confused then, right?

Allah

Oh yes!, He was, he got himself all down in the dumps, we had a meeting about it, where do we go from here? We can’t just abandon ship, it could be over half a millennium until we could start a new book.

And besides, this was to be the last book, it doesn’t work after 3, you know that right? You can’t go past series three, its never the same!

Interviewer

No, you’re right mate, its all over after series 3, so how did you sort this out?

Allah

Well, we decided to go with the flow and send Gabriel back, Muhammad’s head was screwed , he was wanting to jump off cliffs, we couldn’t let that happen, the book had already been released to be revealed a bit at a time, to keep them in suspense.

Interviewer

Wow, I don’t remember that bit in the book!

Allah

No, we put that in the extras, the hadiths, we couldn’t get everything in, we had to leave it cryptic.

Interviewer

Ahhh the extras, that’s what my friend was talking about!

Allah

You do realise we didn’t put the last book in order?

Interviewer

No?

Allah

Haha great move, that really messed up peoples perceptions of the book!

That’s where the Abrogations came in handy, for the people that didn’t worship me, because they can’t work out what the heck came first AND guess what, they both still count!

Interviewer

OK? I’ve read a good few books in my time but I have never seen one that does this!

Allah

You’ve never read a book like mine, It has it all, it has a sob story, persecution, torture, war, rape, beheading? Did you see that bit? Its all the way through the book, you do realise these are orders that stand for all time?

Interviewer

Well, no actually, I thought it was in historical context.

Allah

HAHAHA No, No ,No you thought that really?

No, this is until the day of judgment, I have told you what happens to people that don’t believe in me!

Interviewer

Hellfire?

Allah

Hell yes! Hellfire! That was my pull! That was MY tool, “fear Allah” oh yes, fear Allah, and they do.

Interviewer

They do? Why would you want them to fear you?

Allah

Well, its all part of the game isn’t it, it works why not?

Look, sorry whats your name I don’t think I caught it?

Interviewer

Christian

Allah

Christian? Haha ohh If I only I had known I was talking to a Christian… CHRISTIAN ?

Interviewer

Well, yeah, I’m not really a Christian, my parents just named me that!

Allah

You’re not a Christian, but you’re named Christian?

Do you believe in Jesus?

Interviewer

Well, yeah, but no, well I am not sure. I thought I was doing the interviewing?

Allah

Oh well, the cards just changed hands BOY ! You do realise that Jesus was not God and that God could never have a son, he wasn’t human!

Interviewer

Well I never really thought about it.

Allah

Well take it from me, he WASN’T and ISN’T and COULDN’T be, because I am God, I am ALLAH and I never had a son !

Interviewer

But Allah had daughters right?

Allah

Ohhh I knew that would come up, a Christian bringing up the satanic verses! Are you sure you’re not Christian? Are you a Pagan then?

Interviewer

No, neither, I never said I was Christian, we need to get back on subject, you are diverting now.

Allah

LOOK Christian! The last book is the LAST book, I told you had the story set and you kafir screwed it up!

Interviewer

OK, shall we just calm down now? Lets just take a breather and move onto something else.

Right, so the other thing I wanted to talk about was the Jews.

Allah

THE JEWS ??

That’s it! INTERVIEW OVER!

Interviewer

Oh ok, next week? When things have cooled down?

Allah

YOU won’t cool down in hell fire BOY !!

Interviewer

Ok, sorry to cut that short, hopefully Allah will be in for another fun packed Interview on Islam next week, “Allah?”

Well, it seems Allah has left the building, maybe we could get Angel Gabriel in next time!

Stay tuned, we won’t let you down!

JA Statham


 

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